Thursday, May 25

The Day It All Made Sense

As anyone who has been following this blog knows, I have been sick an abnormal amount over the last two years. It has been a constant source of frustration for me, as I never had this problem before moving to Norway.
As you also may know, I have been somewhat of a 'Daredevil Diabetic' as well. My definition of a Daredevil Diabetic, is someone who knows they have the disease, but continues to live as though they didn't. Someone who still eats what they want, doesn't exercise much and basically refuses to make any lifestyle changes to accomodate their new found 'friend'. I have been one of those kinds of devils.
My diagnosis has never made sense to either myself or my doctors. I am not obese. I don't fit the usual demographic of those who develop Type 2 Diabetes at the age of 32. I have undergone a battery of tests, trying to rule out everything from pancreatic cancer to Type 1 Diabetes, because the diagnosis just didn't 'make sense'.
A few weeks ago, I went to the hospital to receive the results of the final round of testing. Genetic testing. My doctor just said, in a nicer way, 'Sorry, you just have bad genes when it comes to Diabetes. There is really nothing else to do or to test for. It's up to you.' My particular brand of the big D is genetic. Plain and Simple.

So my dance of denial continued. Partly because for me to acknowledge a disease, I need to SEE it. Everyday I KNOW I have LongQT Syndrome because I can FEEL the pacemaker/defibrallator implanted in my chest. I KNOW it's there. All Diabetes did was hang the POTENTIAL threat of amputation, stroke, blindness and other nasty things, over my head as something that MIGHT happen 15 years down the line. MIGHT happen. I have personally had too many other things that HAVE happened because of LongQT. I had SEEN my little sister die at the age of 24 from it. I had SEEN my other sister have to deal with losing her identical twin because of it. I had TWO heart surgeries in 4 years because of LongQT.

So forgive me Diabetes, if it was hard to take you seriously, but another more agressive disease has had me enthralled.

Until now.

May 23 was a big day for me. I was sick. AGAIN. I was talking to my husband on the phone and I said 'I wonder if it could have anything to do with Diabetes?'. So I pulled up Google and typed in the keywords that would change me: 'High Blood Sugar Immune System'.
The first thing that came up was an article about how unmanaged Diabetes destroys the immune system. Killing white bloodcells and leaving you vulnerable to sickness.
My heart sank. Suddenly I SAW what Diabetes could do. Not only what it could do, but more importantly, what I had ALLOWED it to do to me. For nearly a year, I haven't done a thing. I randomly take my medicine. I eat what ever the heck I want. I exercise sporadically. I have been a diabetic nightmare.
And now, I finally understood the consequences. I was sick. My body was sick. All because I chose to ignore something that just didn't seem real.

I am tired of diseases ruling my life. It took me years to get to a place of feeling like I could beat LongQT. To not feel threatened by it. Yet deep down, the fear remains. The fear that it will kill again. Me. My little sister. I didn't want to give Diabetes a place in my life. The disease department was full, but I knew, in that instant, that things had to change. But for the first time, I wanted to change. I want to be strong. I want to be healthy. I want to be beautiful. I want to vibrate with energy.

I want to LIVE.

I may have these diseases, but they WILL NOT have me


Sam I am said...

Great Post, I am happy for you and your "new" state of mind. I live in Little Elm, which is between Denton and Frisco. I love the area and it's growing more and more every day. Thanks again for the post, gives me something to think about. I just have to find that motivation that I used to have and have somehow lost it lately.

susan hill said...

loved your recent update, the day it all made sense. prompted me to get my blog started. thanks

sweetsnomo said...

Before my Type I diagnosis I often wondered if I would get skin cancer, breast or colon cancer, Hodgkins, non-Hodgkins, IBS, liver failure from drinking, lost brain cells from drug experimentation, or any other malady...what was going to "get me". When diagnosed I sort of relaxed (or forgot) my paranoia and thought that diabetes was "it" for me...until I figured that any number of other things could also go wrong and then I would have to deal with that as well.

How I SAW what could go wrong with diabetes was in my Dad having this disease for 34 years. He had a foot ulcer that never healed, multiple laser eye surgeries and other troubles. I think this helps me to take care of myself since I had seen first hand what years of dealing with this disease can do to a person.

Take care of are not alone.